Duck Shit Be Damned
A Letter To My Younger Brother.
As an older brother you’re a few things. A crash test dummy, a protector, an asshole, and also a help line.
The Updraft is a leadership page and a profound leadership journey for me has been learning to be an older sibling. I’m not done with this journey. And it’s hard to say if I land closer to beginning or ending. All I know is I’m on the journey.
As the oldest brother you’re the first male trial run. You blaze the trail. Lessons are learned the hard way. And if you do your job right he sees you winning or fucking up and course corrects.
You hope to protect him from things going wrong. I don’t think I always did a good job of this. Being four years apart he lived a distinct life from me in school. We only ever had one year of overlap and that was one of my favorites. He was a freshman in college and I was starting grad school. He’d come over about once a week and I would make dinner while he studied. There’s something about knowing the answer to a chemistry problem and cooking a steak for someone who’s only getting dorm food that made me feel like a super hero.
It’s those moments I felt like a provider.
He is the best at making friends I’ve ever seen. I surprised him in college for his 21 run and I was met with a platoon of over 50 of his friends following him around. A entourage of epic proportions.
At one point I turn around and he’s got $40 in his hand and is wearing a completely different shirt. I didn’t even see it happen. I asked him about it and he said the woman at the bar just bought his shirt from him and gave him hers.
He explained this to me like it was obvious. Like this is a natural consequence of being out on the town. Like someone would explain the weather that day.
Even if you think you know everything, like you’re the veteran guide… he still has a way of educating you how life works. And sometimes the lesson is that the barkeep will buy your shirt off your back.
He still looked great.
As the older one you know a little more slang, you’ve seen a few more movies, and you’re a little bigger. So you’re in prime position to talk smack, rough house, and come out on top. I know I took it too far sometimes. I don’t think I’ll ever forget those moments where your stomach drops because you played too rough, did something stupid, and ended up hurting your little brother.
The sticks thrown in the spokes of your bike. The teasing about your personal life. Getting in arguments about small stupid shit. The setting up an automation so for several years in a row you got a text from me at the same time every day saying “Hey, what’s up?”
And so now that I’m a little older and not throwing sticks or automating maliciously, I strive to be the world’s best hot line.
He calls, I pick up the phone. For the short calls, the medium calls, and the calls where the world is caving in and I pull up a white board to diagram the epic shit we need to strategize our way out of.
I remember you becoming captain of the rowing team and hearing how you were going through hard times as a leader at the top. You were realizing how lonely it is up there. How, as a leader you’re pottery on a pedestal, and it’s easy for people to see the cracks.
The post break up calls. The ‘I just moved somewhere new and need a friend’ calls. And the ‘oh shit I just fucked up what am I going to do’ calls.
I cherish them all.
If you’ve never been an older brother, imagine someone who looks kind of like you, but is better at most everything... and better looking. Then imagine sometimes you get to be there for them and those moments make you feel like the coolest person alive. That’s a start to what it’s like. It’s not all of it though.
My younger brother had a birthday recently. He just passed some final exams and is now officially a dentist. The second Doctor among my siblings. As the middle child I get to travel the non-traditional path. And from this non-traditional path of mine I get the pleasure of writing about how much I love them and look up to them.
He’s not out of school yet, and he already has stories of fighting for the care and well-being of the homeless and unwell. People who need help and don’t have a single person in their corner fighting for their wellness.
He has some amazing stories of fearlessly standing up to administrators, mentors, colleagues, and peers.
Saying “I don’t need you all to agree with me - this person needs help. And I’m going to be the one to help them.” Badass.
He is succeeding in leveraging the system to get help to people who are in need.
I couldn’t be more proud of him.
So he asked for some advice for his birthday and here it is.
My little brother,
Whatever you do, don’t stop.
You’re on the right path. Your gut is calibrated for kindness and resilience. As long as you don’t stop, the world will be a better place every time you step into motion.
Momentum changes paradigms and keeps us moving along when we need to catch our breath.
As long as you keep going, you can’t lose.
So whatever you do, don’t stop.
Learn how to say no
Once you know what you want, you should say no to everything that’s not exactly what you’re after.
Compromising on your dreams, wants, ambitions, journey,..., it takes something from you.
If you want something don’t let other people get in your way or tell you you can’t do it.
There’s only two things you need to do to get something you’re after
work your ass off
build habits that allow you to work your ass off better.
Learning to go to bed by 9pm. Learning to be up at 5am, just like during rowing.
The morning isn’t just for intense cardio with the team, it’s for the doers, it’s the best thinking of the day, it’s the audiobook time, the run, the stretch, the balanced breakfast and ironed shirt, the reviewing the meeting brief before you even get to work, for getting ahead before most people open their eyes.
The habit we all need is the habit of saying no. Of staying focused. Of picking a boring day that serves the dream instead of an interesting one that doesn’t move the needle.
You’ve clearly mastered this. Look at your work in dental school. Once you’re out and ready for more. Remember those days and find them again once you’re ready to chase another dream.
Say no to mystery drugs. Powders ain’t what they used to be. If you can’t test them, play it safe.
Start reading books on communication and leadership
Emotional intelligence, negotiation, and leadership are arts. Yes, they have very real and practical tools and skills. But the combination and application of those tools and skills comes down to you as a person and how you paint with words.
You have the biggest heart I know of. Emotional intelligence sharpens this and turns it into super powers. Wisdom and then influence are seeded here.
Find a community and invest in it
Community used to be the neighborhood, the church group, the family living next-door.
We’re spread out now. You and I are states away. Community is important because life won’t always go as planned and your community are the people you can lean on when you need some help. They are the wind in your sails when you try something new. The people who root for you when you’re down and out but working to get up.
You are an incredibly capable person and you have things to offer. Being there for other people is the highest calling. As a dentist you will give, and give, and give. Give more than you get and find some people who you can invest in and who can give back.
w/ love, Dan.
The Pond
The worst I’ve ever been mad at you was two thanksgivings ago. I was stressed. You were too. That was one of the worst weeks for us, probably ever.
A thanksgiving after bringing dad home from the hospital from a near-fatal heart attack is a fucked up week for many.
It was a wake up call to the mortality of our parents. The illusion of immortality broken in less than 24 hours. The realization that they may not always be there.
It was cold. Snowy.
I never sleep well away from Cara or the dogs. I was stressed. You were going through it. And I was pissed beyond belief. The uncertainty and exhaustion had gotten to me. I knew we needed to try and patch things up before parting ways, though.
And the night before I went home I said we needed to go for a walk. The walk ended up lasting hours. Four or more, I think.
We had big puffy jackets, a bottle of white wine, our fear and anger, and the dim street lamps of our familiar home streets.
I spent the first bit venting at you. You listened.
Then, you told me how you felt. And I listened.
There’s a special gut punch when you hear how someone you love feels and all your anger and frustration melts away as you see behind the curtain of your own assumptions to realize all the fucked up shit they’re going through.
So I listened more.
And then we started asking questions. Walking from park bench to park bench as we unpacked the entire week. We unpacked the past few years. We unpacked our relationship and family in ways only possible at 1:12 AM in an abandoned park in winter.
Our last park bench of the night was infront of the duck pond.
I feel like I knew you growing up. That night, in front of the pond, I was getting to know the you - you chose to be, not the you - you were.
When the wine bottle was empty and you said we should jump in I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life it I didn’t.
Duck shit be damned. I wasn’t going to be a coward. Older brothers aren’t cowards.
And so we stripped. Baptized ourselves in the frigid waters of the duck pond.
And scurried home wet and mostly clothed.
Warm showers, warmed-up thanksgiving leftovers, and a good bye before bed and we were whole once again. This time more whole than before.
When pottery is on display it’s easy to see the cracks. Imperfections make us real. And cracks show us what the art has survived. What it’s gone through to show us it’s beauty.
Patrick, I’m proud of you. And I love you.
-Dan
P.S. I remember the man dressed in all black we kept seeing that night. Crossing the path in front of us. Walking into thickets and patches of trees. Out of sight.
As an older brother I have to keep my cool. Be the one to not freak out. And I wonder if that man was real.
(minor grammar edit 6/16/2026)
Absolutely beautiful with raw emotion. I'm also an older brother. Being the older brother means you always hear the footsteps behind you, even when you are walking alone.
Dan, this is such a beautiful tribute to your brother. I loved how you balanced humor with real tenderness, especially the way you wrote about protection, pride, regret, repair, and showing up when it matters most.
The pond scene is unforgettable. Funny, vulnerable, ridiculous, and sacred all at once. This piece says so much about brotherhood, but also about leadership, love, and the kind of relationships that become stronger because people are willing to listen.
Nicely done, Monica